broken.

i feel horrible. i've never felt so dependent upon someone else for happiness. i hate not having a job, something to fill my day. it leaves me sitting at home throwing rude, hurtful comments around in my thoughts. all i can do is think. and it gets me in trouble. i'm tired. i don't want to think anymore. i don't want to imagine what it'd be like to be with the one person i love. i'm tired of doing that. i want to be in his presence. feel his skin against mine. his hand holding mine. his nose nuzzling mine. our lips when i get his sweet kiss. i want to feel the beating of his heart as it vibrates through my body when we embrace. i don't want to think those things anymore. i want to feel them. experience them. i think we both deserve that. my heart is aching right now, longing. and the horrible thoughts of fear...if i'm enough, if i'm wanted, if i'm still loved...haunt me. i would like to run, full speed in the opposite direction of them. i feel so alone in these thoughts. that it just resides within me. that everyone else around me is fine. that you are fine. i almost feel as if i weren't here, that would go unnoticed. i hate this feeling.