ain't that the truth.

i laugh constantly. i cry frequently. i love easily. i live fully.

i love to love. it brings me such joy and warmth to my heart to love others.

i desire an abundant amount of love and attention.

i am protective of those who are dear to my heart.

i am loyal. i am silly. i am kind.

i can be jealous and demanding.

i am strong. i have a voice that has longed to be heard.

i am a perfectionist. i am hard on myself.

i wish to be loved by many and never forgotten. i wish to leave an impact on all lives i cross paths with.

i love long road trips and sharing heartfelt conversations.

i hate goodbye's and love hello's.

my perfect day consists of continuous laughter and love exchanged with another. i never want to forget to be silly and childlike. it is by far the best trait i think one can have.

sometimes i would rather sit in silence than talk in the company of friends and loved ones.

i can give the best advice to my friends in need, but tend to forget to listen to my own wisdom and love.

i feel incomplete without music in my life. i love the feeling of my fingertips grazing the piano keys.

i bruise easily...both mentally and physically. i also have too many scars to count. i was a daredevil child.

i cling to the men i love in my life because i fear of eventually losing them.

i love my mother and wish she saw the goodness in herself as much as she does in others. i am proud to be her daughter and to have inherited her strength, compassion, and ability to love unconditionally.

i miss my father. i miss his laughter, his smile, his music, his jokes, his love, his hugs that always made me feel better when nothing else could.

i sometimes look back into the past or too far in the future. i wish to stay present. to be.

i wish to grow each day. stronger. kinder. more loving and accepting of others. including myself.

i had the most wonderful day with my mom and brother today. it started with yoga in the morning, a delicious lunch at Tea Bar, and many laughs and memorable chats through the day. after we said goodbye to mama, kp joined me and marty for some hula hoopin' in the park. it was an extraordinary. but nonetheless, making things even more difficult to leave. it's going to be tough. i hate goodbyes.

wowza. just realized. i'll be on my way/living in a new state in less than two weeks. very excited for this new change and all that it will bring. i am excited to be in a new city. excited for more diversity. more arts and music. my god, a MUSIC scene! i'll be in heaven! job hunting! sweet, job hunting! i never thought i'd be so excited to look for a job! i can not wait to have a routine. a schedule. something to ground me. to give me something to do with my days. to meet new clients. form relationships with them. make them feel good about themselves. goodie! there is nothing more rewarding than knowing you had a positive affect on someone else's day! :) there'll be new restaurants and cafes to find. favorite hang outs to be determined. new friends to meet. good souls to have moving conversations with. my love, for me to love. good lord, almost a year and a half, i have been loving someone from a distance. what will it be like to actually be able to love him while he is in my presence?! i already have so much love for the man, it's surely to increase and that's just crazy! crazy wonderful.

goodness gracious, great balls of fire.

ok so that doesn't really apply here, but obviously i am excited, people!

Sierra Nevada Goodness

I went to the Sierra Nevada Brewing Company with lots of good souls. We went on a tour, something I've never done before even living here my entire life! We got to taste the barley syrup before it fermented with the hops. And on that note, we got to go in the chilly room that held all the hops. We got to touch the hops, smell all the different types...even tasted some that was taken hostage by Mel! It was so much fun, I'd love to go again. It'd be great to take Britton, I know he'd have a field day seeing the entire process, and getting to take shots of it all. He would've been a kid in the candy store. :) Only, a young man in a brewery. :) I highly recommend the tour.

It was so great to hear how sustainable and green they were working to become as a company. They produce around 70% of their own power! They recycle everything, and compost even more into their garden. It's such an inspiration.  I hope other companies in Chico, and around the world, see what a difference it can really make in preserving our beautiful, Mother Earth. <3

And of course, AFTER the tour, we all went into the restaurant and feasted on delicious food! Burgers, Bacon-wrapped Meatloaf, Fish & Chips, and Pizza. Don't forget the two chocolate malts (made with their own hops) and a New York Style Cheesecake that was to DIE for. We took our full bellies and walked home in the chilly air. But thanks to our beers, and my desire to speed walk a majority of the way home (I'm sure that was a hilarious sight for the oncoming traffic!) we stayed warm.

What a great evening. <3

oh, little heart. hold on. hopefully not much longer. my patience is running dry. continuous attempts to release the frustration and pain. but oh, little heart. you deserve so much love. please do not forget.

apparently i hit the invisible button. how the hell did that happen? where did i go? this is a shitty feeling. probably my biggest pet peeve is being ignored. or pushed aside. i do not mean to be unreasonable in thinking i will always be a priority in anyone else's life besides my own, but goodness gracious. technology is bittersweet. life is, too. how can any ONE person possibly know what a person is experiencing that is not their own? perhaps i am selfish. perhaps i am disrespectful. perhaps i am only attempting to do what's best in order to take care of myself. my heart hurts and my stomach is in knots. i didn't sleep at all last night and tonight isn't looking too good either. which is a shame, because this day started out wonderful. i'd just like to know how to reappear before one's eyes. do i have to disappear completely before i will even go unnoticed? i am not one for games, and i fear it may become that. i will try my hardest to keep it from doing so. i am generally one to say what's on my mind. but even that gets me into trouble as well. i am angry. and the only one person that can fix that is myself. no one can make me happy. no one will make me feel loved. i must rely on myself. but damnit aren't we on this earth to coexist? to be interdependent? have i lost my mind? or is the invisible button still on?

late night, much needed reading.

i have been struggling with some negative thoughts, specifically regarding myself. i could no longer handle it, i surrendered to the "gods, fairies, angels" and asked for my pain to be lifted. for a hand to offer me help. i got what i asked for. i can not reiterate how much belief i have in these cards. they always show me just what i need to see, tell me what i'm searching for. thank you, for your help. i am infinitely grateful.


*Immediate Past* 
MIRACLE HEALING: Expect a miracle. You have prayed for assistance, and it is forthcoming. The more completely you surrender your situation to God, the more rapidly you will realize your healing. 
  Heaven is completely on your side, and your prayers have been heard and answered. The healed reality is one of several parallel realities currently available to you. You have the choice, through your thoughts, emotions, and intentions, to experience the highest possible reality for yourself.
  You access your healed situation through faith and gratitude. To feel these powerful catalyzing emotions, say mentally or aloud to God, "I am tired of thinking about this situation. I don't want to deal with it any longer. Here, I am giving the entire thing to You so that You can think about it and resolve it. Thank You so much for taking care of everything." Then, detach completely from the situation.

AFFIRMATION: In truth, everything and everyone, including myself, is healed right now. I focus on this truth, instead of on illusions of fear.


*Present Situation*
LAUGHTER (blockage): Every cloud not only has a silver lining, but it also has a humorous side. Try to objectively stand back from your situations and find a humorous twist. Laughter will help you see your life from a new perspective so that you can receive creative insights and solutions. 
  You are much too serious about life, according to the fairies. They aren't asking you to neglect your responsibilities, let go of the sacred reverence for life, or defend your emotions with jokes. Instead, you're asked to see the humor that runs through the thread of life. 
  Laughter also helps up to stand back and see ourselves and our situations more objectively. When we laugh, we relax. When we relax, creative solutions and renewed energy course through us more easily. So, take time to laugh today.


AFFIRMATION: I find the humor in life, and I laugh easily. 


*Future Outcome*
DETOXIFICATION: You are being guided to clean  your body, environment, mind and heart of toxins. God and the fairies will help you with this endeavor. 
  It's time to let go of toxins, within and around you. This card validates your inner guidance that has been telling you to let go of harmful habits. Go outside in nature, and call upon the fairies to surround you. Ask God and the fairies to help you release toxins from your mind, body and heart. Ask them to help you release your cravings for harmful habits.
  You'll soon find yourself naturally desiring organic fresh food and produce. You'll be guided away from environmental toxins. And most importantly, your thoughts and emotions will veer away from judgment and fear, and will become love-based instead. 


AFFIRMATION: I take excellent care of my body, and I crave only healthful foods and beverages. 

today has been very off and on. oh, sweet rollercoaster of emotions. you are loads of fun. i think i should just quit and meditate. attempt to restore some sense of peace and happiness within myself. we shall see. i shall attempt.

so. much. better. it's amazing how much better i feel when i have something to do to pass the time. something to use my creativity. oh how i've missed this.

screw it.

i'm diving in, head first. sometimes, that's all we can ever do. and everything always works out the way it should. <3

broken.

i feel horrible. i've never felt so dependent upon someone else for happiness. i hate not having a job, something to fill my day. it leaves me sitting at home throwing rude, hurtful comments around in my thoughts. all i can do is think. and it gets me in trouble. i'm tired. i don't want to think anymore. i don't want to imagine what it'd be like to be with the one person i love. i'm tired of doing that. i want to be in his presence. feel his skin against mine. his hand holding mine. his nose nuzzling mine. our lips when i get his sweet kiss. i want to feel the beating of his heart as it vibrates through my body when we embrace. i don't want to think those things anymore. i want to feel them. experience them. i think we both deserve that. my heart is aching right now, longing. and the horrible thoughts of fear...if i'm enough, if i'm wanted, if i'm still loved...haunt me. i would like to run, full speed in the opposite direction of them. i feel so alone in these thoughts. that it just resides within me. that everyone else around me is fine. that you are fine. i almost feel as if i weren't here, that would go unnoticed. i hate this feeling.