doing thursday night, right.

nothing like finishing off my day right. it all started a little blue. now it's finishing in colors of orange and reds. yes. martin made some fresh juice (carrot, parsley, apple and sweet potato). DEE-LISH. and what better to go with juice? a glass of wine. (and maybe a little grey's anatomy.)

along with that juicy goodness, we picked up some fresh cherries at the farmer's market tonight. i don't remember the last time i had them. it's a sweet treat indeed, for my body and mind. it brings back such wonderful memories...sitting out in our fruit orchard, the warm grass surrounding and tickling our skin, as we sat indian-style below the cherry tree. martin and i would have contests to see who could put the most cherries in their mouth...until of course we became puffy-cheeked chipmunks, with no room to even begin chewing. that image is so vivid in my memory, and i will always smile upon thinking of it.

it's funny how lucky we were, and we didn't even know it. our mom and dad had planted a number of trees upon starting their lives together out in the country where i was raised. cherries. apples. peaches. nectarines. pears. apricots. plums. persimmons. pomegranates. babcocks. (on a side note, babcock is a funny word.) our mom would prepare delicious, homemade jams and jellies with our fruit. or even homemade applesauce--which i must add filled our home with the most amazing aroma. or the year we walked down the road to our aunt's house and made homemade apple cider. our dad would make pancakes every saturday and sunday morning, each carefully filled or served with our fruit. all of it was at our fingertips. and i enjoyed every moment of it. but what's crazy is that i find myself not buying certain fruits because they're "too expensive." i'm upset that we had the fruit at our own disposal, and now i need to pay for it? word?

that being said, when i "settle down" in my sweet home, my plan is to do the same. i am going to plant as many fruit trees as possible, that way the "fruit of my labor" will literally be delicious, sweet goodness to share with my family and loved ones. i wish not only to share this treat with them, but the memories i hold deep in my heart.

who how?

how is it that one person, surrounded by such beauty and loving people, can feel so lonely?

i have never felt so lucky and so grateful for my loved ones and the opportunities that are being placed before me. and yet, i feel lonely. ??? i feel like i have so much love to give, and i LOVE to give my love to those around me. but perhaps i am not saving any of that love to give to myself. it's not the easiest thing to do, for anyone really, to give the same amount or intensity of love to themselves, as they do to others. it is something i am practicing. i realize it may never be something that i can perfect, but is something definitely worth attempting to do.

i went to martin's energy worker, Jude. she is an incredibly kind and gentle soul. i was instantly comfortable baring my soul to her, telling her all the pain i'd locked up for so many years...things that even some of my closest friends know nothing about. after many tears shed and blockages released during my appointment, i left feeling as light as a feather. as if i could float up into the sky and walk amongst the clouds. even better was the love i felt. the love i felt warming my soul, the love i felt for my family, my friends, for Britton...and more importantly the love i felt for myself. i left feeling invincible. nothing would ruin my day. i felt whole. complete. and radiating with love.

i want to get back to that place.