honoring the old school.

deleted my lamespace and found all my old postings, thought i'd honor them and share.

Foggy London Town and Beyond...

hello kids. for those who haven't heard, my time in the beautiful Santa Barbara has come to an end...it has been a glorious five years, my friends. 

i am currently sitting out on my brother's porch in Chico, CA. It was over 100 degrees today. near midnight, it is a comfortable temperature of 84. yeah, you heard me. gosh i've missed these warm, summer nights. 

i will be in Chico for another week, upon which i will then be flying to NYC en route to London---where I will finally be living my dream of attending the world-renowned Vidal Sassoon. 

after two weeks in London, I will then travel throughout Europe. if by chance you are over the pond from July 25th-Sept 15th, hit a sista up. 

i am simultaneously nervous and excited to see where life has to take me. it has been a whirlwind for the last year or so...i can only imagine what she has up her sleeve. 

i am eternally grateful of all the wonderful people i have met in santa barbara---life truly would not have been the same without you somehow shaping my life and lighting my path with all the wonders you are. :)

where i go next, after this trip, no one knows...but i will be in touch with you after my adventures. 

all my love and gratitude. cheers.

reality...

Current mood:thankful

...is a cold-hearted, bitch slap in the face. and it stings like all hell.

but it is bittersweet, for it reminds you what is most important. and that is YOUrself.

reality is a push in the right direction when the only way you envisioned yourself was going in a downward spiral. it awakens you to the realization of all that you AREN'T missing out on...and more importantly, it is a reminder not to live your life blindsighted---do not miss out on all the wonderous people and things that ARE surrounding you.

and that, my friends, is why life is worth living.

for all the wonderful people around me, and the ones I am to meet within my new adventures life has in store for me...i thank you and appreciate all that you have done and continue to do for me. words can not express my gratitude. you are angels.

all the love i have,
christina

IMAGINE. (prop 8)

The numbers and results are always sad to see, when they are stating that certain propositions have passed, while others did not.

One of which that was disappointing to me, was the thought of Proposition 8 passing, and therefore banning marriage of the same sex. It is especially depressing, however, to view the county results and actually SEE and KNOW which ones that are opposed to same-sex mariage. Some of which were counties I loved..for I was raised in them.

Santa Barbara, 53%-47% opposed to Prop 8.
(even my trusty, liberal city of S.B. almost passed this proposition--thankfully 8,156 others didn't agree.)
Butte, 57%-43% in favor of YES on Prop 8.
Glenn & Tehema, a disgustingly 73%-27% in favor of Prop 8.

73 percent?! MY GOD PEOPLE, SEVENTY THREE PERCENT! How close-minded of a place did I grow up in, and pride myself in saying I was from? It is sad to think that the proposition was using excuses such as "protect marriage, save the children, protect our children.." BULL SHIT. Save them from what?! From seeing that there may be peace between everyone? At every race, every age, every social status, every sexual orientation?! GOD FORBID, people are ACCEPTED for who they are or choose to be. And even if you do not believe in what they do, they should be allowed equal rights because, isn't that what America is supposed to be all about? Who has the right to choose whom you fall in love with, or choose to have a relationship with? Who has the right to know what is right for another person? If it isn't your life, why are you calling the shots in theirs? Sure, some things you want to speak out on for the sake of your own safety, but how does this threaten you?

How dare you, California, use the excuse of "protecting our children," as there is no/has never been any link in schooling your children, and them learning about marriage. I sure as hell never learned about marriage, let alone what was permitted or prohibited. If others did, please come forward and inform me. Tell me. How does that make a person better? Better educated?  It doesn't really? Considering a person will only shine at their best, when they are free to be themselves.

Did I also forget to mention, children are not taught to be gay? While I may not have any personal experience in this department, I believe it to be something that happens throughout life, by choice..Not at school due to the teachers telling them about same-sex marriage, "conditioning" them to BECOME gay.

Also, in case anyone wasn't aware--but divorce can be just as detrimental to children, than say, having two loving SAME-SEX parents. Did anyone prepare children for that?? About the hardships they may face, or how their parents may make them choose sides, or how hard it is to accept a new "step" parent into their life? Why aren't we protecting children from that?

What would happen if there was a law, banning people to have any voice, when it came to the important matters, if they supported or believed in Proposition 8?

What would happen if everyone had a voice? Whomever they were or whatever they believed in?

What would happen if there was, for once, an african-american president of the United States, and proved to everyone, that without racism, hypocrisy, social status, importance of sexual orientation--we could have CHOICES....we could all exist as ONE... and maybe, just maybe, it would be so much better than we've ever imagined???

IMAGINE.

While I am very displeased with the majority of votes for Prop 8, I am so thankful to see that finally, the United States is coming to their senses in realizing, it doesn't always have to be about discrimination. Congrats, Obama. I have never been more happy to declare, than I will be on January 20, 2009 when you walk into the White House, I AM PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN.

Thank you, all, who voted for CHANGE. I hope the word keeps spreading throughout the U.S.

This is only the beginning...

eight years.

how is it that time rushes past you without realization?
is it true what they say?
"time flies when you're having fun..."
i don't know if these past, eight years have necessarily been that,
but they have flown by.

i still remember, so vividly, the last day i spoke to you.
your eyes were at rest, but i knew you were listening.
i promised you that i would always remember you.
i promised you that i would make you proud.
i promised you, i would never forget.

so many questions have been answered.
only recently.
only recently, do i know the answers that were always a mystery.
it has made things harder,
knowing.
it has made things easier,
remembering.
yet not one day has gone by,
that the loss of you has become easier to accept.

i miss you now,
as much as the day you left.
in fact, i miss you more.
i crave knowing what it would have been like,
if you were still here.
i yearn for your existence,
in every part of my life.

it is true.
i have grown into a woman.
while you are not here physically,
i take you with me everywhere,
mentally.
i hope i have made you proud,
as i promised before.

words can not even begin to describe:
how i miss you,
how i wish you were still here,
how i wish you would comfort me in times of pain,
how i wish you were here to laugh with me in times of joy,
how much i appreciate all you have done for me,
how thankful i am...

for EVERYTHING you have given me.
my family. my love. my strength. my weakness. my humility. my musical talent. my memories. my life.

i will see you again, one day.
i love you.

Love is...

abstract.

Why do we skip steps just to jump to the saying, "I love you." What happened to enjoying other feelings you may possess for another person throughout time? What happened to liking someone, admiring them, or being enamored of someone? When did fourteen-year-olds start telling their boyfriends, "I love you."

Love is defined as an intense feeling of deep affection; as well as a deep romantic or sexual attachment to someone. How can someone mistake these deep feelings for something else, and thus say the words, "I love you." How do they know they "love" them? Perhaps they are simply mistaking love for LUST. If they don't know what it truly means to love someone, how can they throw it around as if it is real?

Perhaps no one knows what love is. Perhaps they THINK they do, but because they haven't experienced a true, deep feeling of love for another being, they simply believe it is "love." Or what about when someone says, "he/she's the one, i know it!"...even after only knowing them for a few weeks..not to mention they haven't even dated them! We jump from liking someone, to loving them and then somewhat possessing them. Dating is an important aspect of a relationship, as you are getting to know the person; finding out if they/you offer all that you/they desire in a relationship.

We are carelessly hopeful. While there is nothing wrong with being hopeful in finding that "one," we are not taking any care of ourselves in making sure they truly are "the one," according to all that we desire and deserve. Thus, we are settling; rather than aspiring for what we deserve to find.

However, do not get me wrong. There are many types of love. You can love your family, your friends, your favorite pair of shoes, or simply a favorite hobby. The love I'm speaking of, is the love you have for your lover or mate. THAT love...I have found, is abstract, and wish and hope for others around me to take a bit more seriously, for it is not something you can easily find. It is tangible, and delicate. And should therefore be treated that way.

ME-MOR-IES

you're alright. but you don't have it.

scooder, ver es dee candy?!

hey lady, good guy or bad guy?

chrismeana.

dead cat.

ahh, how do you like dem apples, YEAAAANK?

what the hell kinda foot print is that?

zip zip, zip zip.

go, Bullseye!

come on, this is serious. serious face. Mommy's taping. play with your back to the piano.

sixteen mooooooore miiiiiiiiles, to the ooooooocean.

give me my damn milk, bitch! (Snoopy)

woooooh. (Frankie)

Don't fall in the hole, don't fall in the hole! Scooder, I can't hold you any longer. You're slipping!!!

falling asleep to the "Goldrock Stories."

"it's just like new!" "no, it's better than new."

"The Piano Gods." (thanks, Mom!)

seven years. it's been seven years. it feels like just yesterday i saw you. those eyes. you looked like you knew something, but you didn't have to say anything. they could have burned a hole in a wall; the intensity. yet they never would have hurt a soul; the kindness. i wish so much you were still here. i keep your smile so close to my heart, and the memories i have of you are eternally etched deep within my mind. what i wouldn't do, to just have you back. this has been one of the harder years for me. i don't know why. but the pain seems so fresh still. i wish you were here to play duets on the piano with me. to play pool ball. to go on adventures in the fields. to drive through floods in the winter season. to drink your tea. to eat your cupcakes, fresh and hot, right out of the oven. to make candles together, late at night. to have your famous breakfasts on the weekends...the George Washington pancakes. or when you would make them into different shapes for me and Martin. to have you give me away, when the day comes. and later, to share your love and be the best grandfather ever to my children. to have you play your songs on the piano, as i twirl around the living room like a ballerina. to laugh. to love. to live. i wish you were still here. i miss you SO much. until we meet again....i love you.

matters of the heart.

i wear my heart on my sleeve.
i should know it's bound to be hurt if i just leave it sitting there.
you'd think i know by now, having it had a beating too many times to count.
always on the worst days possible.
then again, when is heartache ever good?

i feel like i can lose myself so easily.
if i'm not careful.
my power and independence slips through my finger tips,
while my heart just sits on my shoulder, bright and shining.
what do you have to be so happy about?
don't you know that's where the damage is done?
you can't just leave yourself out to be hung.
that's suicide.

i think it's time i put my heart back in my chest.
so fragile. so delicate.
let it be protected by the bones of my body.
but aren't those breakable, too?

what was that tacky song? love is a battlefield?
that girl was right.

guess i'll just have to find a halfway point,
somewhere along the lines of one plus one.
shoulder meets chest.
protected yet unguarded.
yes, that sounds best.

ballsack.

i feel like crap. i'm tired. feel run down. somewhat emotional, out of left field. i want to go out with friends, have a drink, loosen up on the dance floor. have a good night. i want a little more positivity surrounding me right now. i know it's a little hard to find, but golly. i'm pooped. this is really taking a toll on me.

i think it's time for a nap.

patience, patience, patience.

i am being tested right now. on my patience level. in so many ways.

breathe. ground yourself. this too shall pass. (as mom has always said.)

my head is all over the place. i attempt to connect with myself. look with my heart, not with my mind.

breathe. ground yourself.

i am feeling a strong love. an intense yearning and desire. i want to see you.

breathe.

follow your heart. where does it want to be? i wish to be at peace within myself. i don't want to jump city to city, hoping to find a safe landing eventually.

breathe. ground yourself.

be here. now. we only have today. live in the moment. i wish to love with no boundaries. to love myself, unconditionally. to love you. to allow myself to love you, open heartedly without fear.

breathe. focus. be here. ground yourself.

i miss you.

doing thursday night, right.

nothing like finishing off my day right. it all started a little blue. now it's finishing in colors of orange and reds. yes. martin made some fresh juice (carrot, parsley, apple and sweet potato). DEE-LISH. and what better to go with juice? a glass of wine. (and maybe a little grey's anatomy.)

along with that juicy goodness, we picked up some fresh cherries at the farmer's market tonight. i don't remember the last time i had them. it's a sweet treat indeed, for my body and mind. it brings back such wonderful memories...sitting out in our fruit orchard, the warm grass surrounding and tickling our skin, as we sat indian-style below the cherry tree. martin and i would have contests to see who could put the most cherries in their mouth...until of course we became puffy-cheeked chipmunks, with no room to even begin chewing. that image is so vivid in my memory, and i will always smile upon thinking of it.

it's funny how lucky we were, and we didn't even know it. our mom and dad had planted a number of trees upon starting their lives together out in the country where i was raised. cherries. apples. peaches. nectarines. pears. apricots. plums. persimmons. pomegranates. babcocks. (on a side note, babcock is a funny word.) our mom would prepare delicious, homemade jams and jellies with our fruit. or even homemade applesauce--which i must add filled our home with the most amazing aroma. or the year we walked down the road to our aunt's house and made homemade apple cider. our dad would make pancakes every saturday and sunday morning, each carefully filled or served with our fruit. all of it was at our fingertips. and i enjoyed every moment of it. but what's crazy is that i find myself not buying certain fruits because they're "too expensive." i'm upset that we had the fruit at our own disposal, and now i need to pay for it? word?

that being said, when i "settle down" in my sweet home, my plan is to do the same. i am going to plant as many fruit trees as possible, that way the "fruit of my labor" will literally be delicious, sweet goodness to share with my family and loved ones. i wish not only to share this treat with them, but the memories i hold deep in my heart.

who how?

how is it that one person, surrounded by such beauty and loving people, can feel so lonely?

i have never felt so lucky and so grateful for my loved ones and the opportunities that are being placed before me. and yet, i feel lonely. ??? i feel like i have so much love to give, and i LOVE to give my love to those around me. but perhaps i am not saving any of that love to give to myself. it's not the easiest thing to do, for anyone really, to give the same amount or intensity of love to themselves, as they do to others. it is something i am practicing. i realize it may never be something that i can perfect, but is something definitely worth attempting to do.

i went to martin's energy worker, Jude. she is an incredibly kind and gentle soul. i was instantly comfortable baring my soul to her, telling her all the pain i'd locked up for so many years...things that even some of my closest friends know nothing about. after many tears shed and blockages released during my appointment, i left feeling as light as a feather. as if i could float up into the sky and walk amongst the clouds. even better was the love i felt. the love i felt warming my soul, the love i felt for my family, my friends, for Britton...and more importantly the love i felt for myself. i left feeling invincible. nothing would ruin my day. i felt whole. complete. and radiating with love.

i want to get back to that place.

regenerating beginnings.

hot damn. i waited since last august to blog? where has life taken me since then...what is interesting or enertaining to list? lots of things really.

martin has fully recovered from our europe adventure. scariest experience ever. and it opened a lot of doors that i'm currently dancing underneath, attempting to decide if i should walk through them or backstep. i've never been fond of backstepping. too old-fashioned for me.

oh, opened doors, what do you have to offer me? insight on who i am. ideas of whom i'd like to become. thoughts of who i no longer wish you be. reinventing myself, over and over again. is that what this life is for? (oh god, i almost sounded like an effing "Creed" song. PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!....why am i shouting??) i am not perfect. and i am learning to accept that. and also love my imperfections. but also attempting to be as kind to myself as i am to others when they are going through such transitional changes. accept. breathe. in. out. accept.

life has given me quite the amazing obstacles recently, as well as new and fun games to play! i have loved. i have stopped loving. i have hurt. i have cried. i have felt cheated. i have had no faith in life or love. i have had new visions. i have felt. i have liked. i love. i am loved.

latest and greatest? sweet apple, what delicious and tasty adventures do you have in store for me? that's right. i'm doing it. (no, not american pie style, come on.) i'm moving to nyc. i am feeling a wide variety of emotions. excitement. anxiety. fear. desire. confidence. insecurity. i am feeling them all, and i am soaking it all in. i am aware. and i am alive.

the plan is to be in nyc by may/june of this year. holy shitballs. that's right, ladies and gentlemen. i will be there in less than three months. wait, what?! less than three months?! let me say that again. HOLY SHITBALLS. mmmm, ok..thanks, i feel better now. i am SO excited to see what that beautiful city has to offer me. it will tear me down. it will hold me up. it will piss me off. it will make me happy. it will make me sad. it will bring me joy. it will make me irritated. it will tell me to speed up. i will try to slow it down.

nyc is going to challenge every sense of my being, and i'm game. bring it on. (oh it has already been broughten! boom!)